the conspiracy revealed
I could've saved myself some trouble and looked in my wallet!
I just found out the environmental studies department has turned me down for an assistantship in favor of some other ostensibly "qualified" first-year rubes. This makes sense, though - the International Conspiracy of Trilateral Commission chieftans, CNN execs, NBA officials, old cast members of the 'Real World', and oil company CEOs all know and fear that if my resume improves in the slightest, I might actually get a real job at some point and thus fulfill The Oracle's prophecy.
I'm still pissed though, too pissed to come up with any good bloggy. Please look at this in the meantime. Even if I cannot have good news, there is no reason you shouldn't get some.