must be dreaming
From the Truly Nightmarish and Fucking Horrible Subjects Desk:
With temperatures climbing in parts of Antarctica in recent years, melt water seems to be penetrating deeper and deeper into ice crevices, weakening immense and seemingly impregnable formations that have developed over thousands of years. As a result, huge glaciers in this and other remote areas of Antarctica are thinning and ice shelves the size of American states are either disintegrating or retreating - all possible indications of global warming. Scientists from the British Antarctic Survey reported in December that in some parts of the Antarctic Peninsula hundreds of miles from here, large growths of grass are appearing in places that until recently were hidden under a frozen cloak.
Global warming's still just a theory, mind you. Like Darwin. And gravity. The only answer for the United States government's inexplicable, cheery/angry avoidance of This Thing That Will Seriously Fucking Kill Us All is that those hidden locations in the Appalachian Mountains and upstate New York are a heck of a lot better stocked than we've been led to believe. No Buddhists or middle management allowed:
Muffley:
Well I... I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes down.
Strangelove:
Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. (Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.) Arrrrr! (Restrains right arm with left.) Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years.
Muffley:
But look here doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want to go on living?
Strangelove:
No sir... (Right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards.) Excuse me. (Struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a beating from his left.)
Also when... when they go down into the mine everyone would still be alive. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! (Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.)
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